If someone would have warned me, I may never have agreed to this whole baby thing. Guess what? I’m here to save all you writers who are considering expanding your family. You can thank me later.
To preface, this isn’t my first go around. I have an energetic two-year-old, and you may be wondering why I signed up for this hellish torment a second time. Now that I’m settling into my second trimester, I ask myself the same question. It’s like my mind blacked out everything from my past pregnancy to save me from remembering such a traumatizing time in my life. Honestly? It’s the babies that make you do it. They’re cute right? The tiny, squishy humans with their bright eyes and their heart-melting smiles and their infectious giggles—STOP RIGHT THERE. Don’t get sucked in. It’s all a big fat, soul-crushing trap. Learn from my mistakes, folks. Before you fall under their enchantments, read on to explore my top three reasons why you shouldn’t do it.
Reason 1: All the words will fall out of your head.
Baby brain is a thing. Think of it like an energy vortex implanted in your head. You won’t mind that you put on two different shoes or mismatched clothes. Writers don’t care about trivial things like that. You may not even worry if you don’t remember locking your car. It’s just a material possession, after all.
But you know what you will mind?
Forgetting words. You know that expansive vocabulary you’re so proud of? All those big words that make your friends roll their eyes? Consider them gone. Even little words will vanish. Don’t be surprised if early on in pregnancy, you find yourself in tears, on the verge of a breakdown, screaming in panic, “DEAR GOD, WHAT IS THE NAME OF THAT RED STUFF THAT GOES WITH THE FRIES?!” Then your husband will eye you like you’re a wild beast, careful of getting too close. “It’s ketchup,” he says in a concerned voice, wondering whether or not to call for help. Or maybe that’s just in my case, but anyhow, you get the point.
Reason 2: Your energy is zapped.
Before pregnancy, my schedule alternated between late evenings or early mornings. On my best days, I’d get up at 5:00 a.m., head off to the gym for a quick workout, and then fit a few solid hours of writing in while the world still offered peace and quiet. I remained positive my schedule would stay the same. You know what that’s called? That’s called being delusional, folks.
Pregnancy will turn you into a half-hibernating creature that needs a minimum of eight hours of sleep, occasional naps, and early bedtimes. Basically, you’ve turned into a toddler. This can be hard to accept because writers can’t write when they’re tired. Oh, and here’s the cherry on top. All that caffeine you enjoy—not an option. You know, because it’s bad for the baby and stuff. Also, it might make you nauseous. Which brings me to my next reason…
Reason 3: When you’re not tired, you’re sick.
Sometimes, like in my case, very sick. I go through whole mornings where I can’t move or speak because the nausea is so overwhelming. So the little free time you do have? Half of it’s wasted. You may be thinking, well at least there’s the other half. Nope, you don’t get that either. That time is spent on food. Thinking about it. Obsessing about it. Preparing for it. And of course, eating it. You might as well surround your laptop with snacks because it’s the best way to kill two birds.
So what have we learned? Repeat after me: Writers should NEVER EVER get pregnant.
Good. I’m glad I could be of service.
Now if you’re still the deranged, delusional type such as myself, I suppose I can offer one consolatory reason why pregnancy is a good thing for writers. My reason?
100% the Babies.
I swear, those little mystical creatures come stocked with magic powers. They fill your heart with joy, give you purpose beyond what you ever thought existed, and they remove the jaded, sourness from your soul. Suddenly, you see everything with new eyes—their eyes. You see the innocence, the beauty in the world around you, and you begin to feel things you hadn’t felt since early on in your writing career. Things like inspiration and newfound creativity. You’ll re-watch Moana for the millionth time, and you’ll cry because that moment where she returns the Heart of Te Fiti just inspired your next book. You’ll dance like no one is watching, and do the most insane things, all to witness your little one’s smile. Most importantly, you’ll try to make the world a more beautiful place because this is the world they live in too.
Discover more about Author Belle Malory’s books by clicking on the pic below!
2 thoughts on “Why Writers Shouldn’t Get Pregnant”
Haha, just wait until they are teenagers. I adore my two boys but two teenagers at a time is definitely enough.
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I just have a three-year-old at the moment and he takes up plenty of time and brainpower haha. Can’t imagine raising two teenage boys at once! You’re a superwoman!